Thank You
by proserpinadivine
Summary: A modern AU chronicling the friendship between Vincent Phantomhive and Diedrich through a series of their ridiculous text messages to each other.
1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note**: This is a modern AU that's comprised of texts between Vincent Phantomhive and Diedrich, his old school friend and "loyal German hound". Their relationship is quite compelling to me, and I think it's one of the more interesting relationships in the Black Butler manga. It was undoubtedly complicated, but I firmly believe the two men meant a great deal to each other, and this is my interpretation of what their friendship might've been like.

#######

**_Monday_**

(6:12 PM) dee

(6:12 PM) dee r u there

(6:12 PM) dee plz respond

(6:13 PM) srsly mate where r u

(6:13 PM) DEE

(6:13 PM) DEE PLZ PLZ ANSWER

(6:13 PM) DEE THIS IS URGENT U NEED TO RESPOND NOW

(6:13 PM) WHAT R U DOING THATS SO IMPORTANT

(6:14 PM) U FEEL THE NEED TO IGNORE ME

(6:14 PM) **Well, I /was/ doing homework.**

(6:15 PM) **Before you started bombarding my phone with messages.**

(6:15 PM) oh

(6:15 PM) lol

(6:15 PM) sry

(6:16 PM) **Well?**

(6:16 PM) well what

(6:16 PM) **What did you want to ask me?**

(6:17 PM) **Or tell me.**

(6:17 PM) **You didn't specify. **

(6:17 PM) oh uh

(6:18 PM) what was the hw for prof laceys class

(6:18 PM) i fell asleep and didnt write it down lol

(6:18 PM) **You really hate Latin, don't you?**

(6:19 PM) its not so much the /class/ i hate

(6:19 PM) than it is prof lacey himself

(6:19 PM) hes got the personality and charm of a dry toe rag

(6:20 PM) **Nice. **

(6:20 PM) dont lie

(6:20 PM) u kno its true

(6:21 PM) **I guess he is awfully monotonous. **

(6:21 PM) **I've caught myself dozing off in that class once or twice, now that I think about it. **

(6:21 PM) y do u do that

(6:22 PM) **Do what? **

(6:22 PM) that

(6:22 PM) like

(6:22 PM) text so properly

(6:23 PM) ur english is better than mine tbh

(6:23 PM) u even add bloody punctuation for christs sake

(6:24 PM) **Exactly. **

(6:24 PM) **English isn't my first language. **

(6:25 PM) **So I figure I might as well utilize any chance I get to work on it. **

(6:25 PM) u could at least drop the punctuation

(6:25 PM) my god u text like an english prof

(6:26 PM) and not a cool one either

(6:26 PM) like

(6:26 PM) the ones that go mental on u if u forget a fucking period

(6:27 PM) thats what ur like

(6:27 PM) ur so weird dee lol

(6:28 PM) **You're one to talk, Phantomhive. **

(6:30 PM) **By the way, you have to read an article in Latin on Prof. Lacey's website and then respond to questions about it on a separate sheet of paper. **

(6:30 PM) what r u talking abt

(6:31 PM) **The homework for Prof. Lacey. **

(6:31 PM) **That you were shitting yourself over a few minutes ago. **

(6:31 PM) OHHHH

(6:31 PM) thnx dee

(6:32 PM) ur a real mate u kno that

(6:32 PM) :^)

(6:33 PM) **Yeah, whatever.**

(6:33 PM) i mean it

(6:33 PM) like

(6:33 PM) if i had a gun

(6:34 PM) and i was stuck in a room with u and my worst enemy

(6:34 PM) and there were no windows or doors

(6:34 PM) and the only way i could escape was by shooting one of u

(6:35 PM) i'd shoot u

(6:35 PM) because ur such a good mate and dont deserve to be stuck on this punishment orb we call earth

(6:36 PM) **Is this supposed to be a compliment? **

(6:36 PM) yes

(6:37 PM) **And you have the audacity to call me weird. **


	2. Chapter 2

**_Tuesday_**

(7:01 PM) dee

(7:01 PM) deedee

(7:01 PM) deeeeeeeeee

(7:02 PM) **Yes?**

(7:02 PM) isnt there like

(7:02 PM) a word in german for secondhand embarrassment

(7:03 PM) or smth like that

(7:03 PM) **Fremdscham? **

(7:03 PM) YES

(7:04 PM) that

(7:04 PM) **Why do you ask? **

(7:05 PM) i just had a case of it

(7:06 PM) or w/e

(7:06 PM) its a noun right

(7:06 PM) so itd be a case of

(7:07 PM) w/e that word is

(7:07 PM) **And what prompted your fremdscham? **

(7:08 PM) i saw this poor bloke

(7:08 PM) staring at a boy that looked a few years older than him

(7:08 PM) he was making fucking puppy eyes at the guy it was awful

(7:09 PM) so he started walking up to the other boy

(7:09 PM) i think he was gonna ask him out idk

(7:09 PM) bc hed been muttering to himself

(7:10 PM) and looked ready to piss his pants

(7:10 PM) but the poor bastard tripped and fell in a mud puddle

(7:11 PM) when he got up it looked like hed soiled himself

(7:11 PM) he ran away crying

(7:11 PM) it was pathetic

(7:12 PM) **That /is/ very unfortunate.**

(7:12 PM) isnt it

(7:12 PM) it was the most pathetic thing ive seen all month

(7:13 PM) **The fremdscham fairy strikes again. **

(7:13 PM) lol

(7:13 PM) but rly

(7:14 PM) it was bad

(7:14 PM) **I'm sure it was. **

(7:14 PM) but also sort of funny

(7:15 PM) **I was wondering when you were going to say that. **

(7:16 PM) **You're the least empathetic person I've ever met. **

(7:16 PM) yeah

(7:17 PM) definitely not one of my stronger points

(7:17 PM)

(7:18 PM)

(7:18 PM) fran just texted hold on

(7:19 PM)

(7:19 PM)

(7:19 PM)

(7:20 PM)

(7:20 PM) back

(7:21 PM) **What did she say?**

(7:21 PM) the usual

(7:22 PM) "just checking up on my dear older brother!"

(7:22 PM) "im trusting he hasnt gone and blown up a toilet!"

(7:22 PM) "disgracing the family name in the process!"

(7:23 PM) bloody hell u would think i was 4

(7:23 PM) the way she talks to me sometimes

(7:24 PM) **How would you even blow up a toilet?**

(7:24 PM) it honestly isnt that hard

(7:24 PM) if u rly try

(7:25 PM) **Are you implying you've blown up a toilet?**

(7:26 PM) **Because that's the vibe I'm getting. **

(7:26 PM) :^)

(7:26 PM) **Phantomhive.**

(7:27 PM) **What the actual FUCK. **

(7:27 PM) :^)

(7:27 PM) u ok deederschnitzel

(7:28 PM) **Stop calling me that.**

(7:28 PM) **It was funny /maybe/ the first two times.**

(7:29 PM) **MAYBE. **

(7:29 PM) **Now it's just flat-out irritating. **

(7:30 PM) **And the only reason you call me that is because I'm German. **

(7:30 PM) ofc

(7:30 PM) what else am i supposed to call u

(7:31 PM) **I don't know.**

(7:31 PM) **My name.**

(7:32 PM) **Maybe. **

(7:32 PM) **Just a thought. **

(7:32 PM) how abt this

(7:33 PM) u let me keep calling u deederschnitzel

(7:33 PM) and ill let u call me mole

(7:33 PM) what do u say

(7:34 PM)

(7:34 PM)

(7:35 PM) **Fine.**

(7:35 PM) **Mole. **

(7:35 PM) :^)

(7:36 PM) thnx deederschnitzel


	3. Chapter 3

**_Wednesday_**

(9:20 PM) u kno smth

(9:20 PM) if u and fran ever like

(9:20 PM) reproduced

(9:21 PM) ur offspring could probably like

(9:21 PM) take over the world

(9:22) all of humanity would be enslaved in a matter of months

(9:22 PM) **You know something?**

(9:23 PM) **I think you've got too much time on your hands. **

(9:23 PM) lol

(9:24 PM) that may be so but

(9:24 PM) ur kids could definitely fuck over the whole planet if they wanted to

(9:25 PM) U COULD CREATE

(9:25 PM) AN ARMY OF MINI DEES

(9:25 PM) wait

(9:26 PM) that sounds weird

(9:26 PM) **I was about to say.**

(9:27 PM) **Just where are you going with this?**

(9:27 PM) lol

(9:28 PM) **And besides.**

(9:28 PM) **I really don't think I'm Frances' type. **

(9:29 PM) r u kidding

(9:30 PM) ur totally her type mate

(9:31 PM) anyone who enjoys taking the piss out of me is her type

(9:31 PM) well

(9:31 PM) as long as they take the piss out of me in a loving way

(9:32 PM) i kno deep deep deep down

(9:33 PM) shed be glad to cut the balls off anyone who took the piss out of me

(9:33 PM) in a non loving way

(9:34 PM) **I don't want your sister anywhere near my balls.**

(9:35 PM) **No offense to her, of course. **

(9:35 PM) :^(

(9:35 PM) but

(9:36 PM) THINK OF THE POSSIBILITIES

(9:37 PM) **That's exactly what I'm trying not to do.**

(9:37 PM) U AND FRAN

(9:38 PM) **Phantomhive, I don't know if this has occurred to you.**

(9:38 PM) FOREBEARS OF THE RULERS OF EARTH

(9:39 PM) **But what you're essentially saying here.**

(9:39 PM) bloody hell i should write a book abt this

(9:40 PM) **Is that you want me to bang your sister.**

(9:40 PM) **And frankly, that's pretty creepy.**

(9:41 PM) she probably wouldnt mind if u did tbh

(9:41 PM) she fancies u mate

(9:41 PM) at least i think she does

(9:42 PM) **Excuse me?**

(9:42 PM) i think she fancies u

(9:42 PM) i sent her a pic a while back

(9:43 PM) the one alexis took of us

(9:43 PM) when we were on that rowboat

(9:44 PM) where im laughing bc id told u that u look like grumpy cat

(9:44 PM) and ur flipping me off

(9:45 PM) **Oh yeah. I remember that picture.**

(9:45 PM) well alexis sent it to me

(9:45 PM) then i sent it to fran

(9:46 PM) and she texted me later and was like

(9:46 PM) "whos that guy ur with?"

(9:46 PM) so i said

(9:47 PM) "my friend dee"

(9:47 PM) "hes german and his face gets rly red when he screams"

(9:48 PM) "and even tho he threatens to strangle me w/a toe rag every single day"

(9:48 PM) "we rly r best mates"

(9:49 PM) and fran was like

(9:49 PM) "rly?"

(9:49 PM) and i said

(9:50 PM) "rly"

(9:50 PM) and she was like

(9:50 PM) "oh…"

(9:51 PM) and that was it

(9:51 PM) but she asks abt u a lot

(9:51 PM) like what u like to do for fun

(9:52 PM) ur fav places and whatnot

(9:52 PM) how u feel about fencing

(9:53 PM) im telling u

(9:53 PM) itd be a dream come true for her if u 2 shagged

(9:54 PM) **This conversation is making me very uncomfortable. **

(9:54 PM) im just stating facts

(9:54 PM) also remember that time

(9:55 PM) i first showed u that elephant shrew vid

(9:55 PM) that someone edited so it looked like the shrews were singing the phantom of the opera

(9:56 PM) **Vividly. **

(9:56 PM) and fran randomly sent me a selfie

(9:56 PM) now that i think abt it

(9:57 PM) i bet she reckoned u would see it bc id told her a few minutes earlier i was showing u the vid

(9:57 PM) **But I did see it. **

(9:57 PM) i kno

(9:57 PM) that was her master plan

(9:58 PM) u said she was pretty

(9:58 PM) so i told her u said that

(9:58 PM) and she was like

(9:59 PM) "tell him i say thank u and it was very sweet of him to say that!"

(9:59 PM) yeah shes definitely got it bad for u mate

(10:00 PM) i cant believe im only just realizing this

(10:00 PM) tbh shes probably wanking right now

(10:01 PM) to the thought of u

(10:01 PM) **You're disgusting.**

(10:01 PM) y dont u want to date my sister

(10:01 PM) whats wrong w/her

(10:02 PM) **Nothing. **

(10:02 PM) **It'd just.**

(10:02 PM) **Feel odd.**

(10:03 PM) **If I went out with your sister.**

(10:03 PM) ok wait

(10:04 PM) ur saying

(10:04 PM) the only thing stopping u from wanting to date my sister

(10:05 PM) is /bc/ shes my sister

(10:05 PM) ?

(10:05 PM) like if she was anyone elses sister

(10:06 PM) u wouldnt give a shit

(10:06 PM)** Well, no. **

(10:06 PM) **Not necessarily.**

(10:07 PM) **It's just a very large factor.**

(10:07 PM) **In my reasons for not wanting to be romantically involved with Frances. **

(10:07 PM) :^(

(10:08 PM) ur a heartbreaker dee

(10:08 PM) can u at least like

(10:08 PM) text her for me explaining y u dont want to go out w/her

(10:09 PM) bc she wont believe me if i tell her myself

(10:09 PM) shed be all

(10:10 PM) "UR TRYING TO KEEP US APART!"

(10:10 PM) "WERE LIKE THE STAR-CROSSED LOVERS ROMEO AND JULIET!"

(10:11 PM) "IF ROMEO WAS A DASHING GERMAN BOY AND JULIET HAD A THING FOR FENCING!"

(10:11 PM) **Fine. Give me your phone tomorrow and I'll sort out this mess.**

(10:11 PM) **Or try to. **

(10:11 PM) thnx dee

(10:12 PM) i can always count on u

(10:12 PM) BUT U BETTER BE NICE ABT THIS

(10:13 PM) OR ILL KICK U IN THE PANTS SO HARD MY FOOTPRINT WILL LEAVE A PERMANENT MARK ON UR RIGHT ARSE CHEEK

(10:13 PM) **Of course.**

(10:13 PM) **I'm not /that/ big of an asshole. **


	4. Chapter 4

**_Thursday_**

(7:38 PM) ok smth has been on my mind for a while now

(7:38 PM) **Do tell. **

(7:38 PM) when u were a kid

(7:39 PM) back in germany

(7:39 PM) r u sure u werent ever like

(7:40 PM) a peasant shepherd boy

(7:40 PM) bc i can just see u like

(7:40 PM) dressed in a pair of lederhosen

(7:41 PM) herding a bunch of sheep

(7:41 PM) yodeling into the sunrise

(7:42 PM) a bit like maria von trapp

(7:42 PM) if maria von trapp was a bloke

(7:43 PM) lol i bet "the sound of music" was all u watched as a kid

(7:43 PM) **I can assure that you my childhood was nothing like what you just described. **

(7:44 PM) **And I actually kind of hate that movie. **

(7:44 PM) **When I first came to England, all people would do for a good three months was serenade me with songs from that fucking film. **

(7:45 PM) **They seemed to completely ignore the fact the movie takes place in AUSTRIA, not Germany. **

(7:45 PM) **And I am, as you know, from Germany. **

(7:45 PM) **Not Austria. **

(7:46 PM) **So it made no sense for those guys to be singing me songs from a movie that takes place.**

(7:46 PM) **IN FUCKING AUSTRIA.**

(7:47 PM) lol u sure dont like austria do u

(7:47 PM) **It's not that I don't like Austria.**

(7:48 PM) **It's more like.**

(7:48 PM) **Okay. **

(7:49 PM) **Think of it like this. **

(7:49 PM) **Wales is part of Great Britain, yes? **

(7:49 PM) it sure is deederschnitzel

(7:50 PM) **But it's a separate country, correct?**

(7:50 PM) yeah

(7:51 PM) **Even though it borders England, that doesn't mean it /is/ England. **

(7:51 PM) **It has its own language and culture. **

(7:51 PM) **Distinct from that of England's. **

(7:52 PM) uh

(7:52 PM) i guess

(7:52 PM) i mean ive never rly thought abt it

(7:53 PM) **Wouldn't it make you a bit upset if like.**

(7:53 PM) **People just threw England and Wales under the same metaphorical umbrella simply because of a /few/ similarities the countries share. **

(7:54 PM) uh

(7:54 PM) no

(7:54 PM) ?

(7:55 PM) idk where ur going w/this mate lol

(7:55 PM) **…**

(7:55 PM) **Never mind. **

(7:56 PM) so

(7:56 PM) i guess u rly hate "the sound of music"

(7:56 PM) **Yeah. **

(7:57 PM) damn

(7:57 PM) hold on i need to text alexis

(7:57 PM)

(7:58 PM)

(7:58 PM)

(7:58 PM) ok back

(7:59 PM) **You two were planning a "Sound of Music"-themed birthday party for me, weren't you? **

(7:59 PM)

(8:00 PM)

(8:00 PM)

(8:01 PM) how dare u accuse us of such a thing

(8:01 PM) **I saw Alexis carrying a bag a few days ago. **

(8:01 PM) **And a pair of lederhosen fell out. **

(8:02 PM) **It looked genuine too, not some cheap costume.**

(8:02 PM) **You spent a lot of money on this, didn't you? **

(8:03 PM) well if u hate the theme it doesnt rly matter either way does it

(8:03 PM)

(8:04 PM)

(8:04 PM) **All right. **

(8:05 PM) **JUST THIS ONCE. **

(8:05 PM) **I will allow you to throw me a "Sound of Music" birthday party. **

(8:06 PM) U RLY MEAN IT

(8:06 PM) SHIT HOLD ON MATE I NEED TO TEXT ALEXIS

(8:07 PM) again lol

(8:07 PM)

(8:08 PM)

(8:08 PM)

(8:09 PM)

(8:09 PM) partys back on

(8:09 PM) :^)

(8:10 PM) thnx dee

(8:10 PM) i promise u will like it

(8:11 PM) u will get to watch me make an arse out of myself

(8:11 PM) all day long

(8:12 PM) **What's better than that?**

(8:12 PM) nothing

(8:12 PM) thats what


	5. Chapter 5

**_Friday_**

(1:34 AM) remember last year

(1:34 AM) on ur bday

(1:34 AM) when i spammed ur fb wall w/memes

(1:35 AM) **Of course I remember. **

(1:35 AM) **That was fucking traumatizing. **

(1:36 AM) well i was thinking abt that

(1:36 AM) and ive come to the conclusion grumpy cat is ur spirit animal

(1:37 AM) **My spirit animal? **

(1:37 AM) yeah

(1:38 AM) u r one and the same

(1:38 AM) hows it feel to be a meme dee

(1:39 AM) **I think you should go to sleep. **

(1:39 AM) WHATS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL DEE

(1:39 AM) PLZ TELL ME

(1:40 AM) PLZ

(1:40 AM)

(1:41 AM)

(1:41 AM)

(1:42 AM) **A dung beetle. **

(1:42 AM) :^(

(1:42 AM) wtf mate

(1:43 AM) **You asked.**

(1:43 AM) **So I told you. **

(1:43 AM) fran says i look like a weasel

(1:44 AM) and tbh

(1:44 AM) id rather have a weasel as my spirit animal than a dung beetle

(1:44 AM) speaking of fran

(1:45 AM) how did it go b/t u 2

(1:45 AM) i never asked and i didnt look at the convo u 2 had

(1:46 AM) **I'm assuming you're talking about the conversation I had with her where I had to spurn her romantic advances. **

(1:46 AM) ofc

(1:47 AM) **It actually went over quite well. **

(1:47 AM) **She handled it very maturely. **

(1:48 AM) **We parted on a cordial note. **

(1:48 AM) **She was very understanding of the whole thing. **

(1:49 AM) lol thats what she /wants/ u to think

(1:49 AM) shes probably crying her eyes out as we speak

(1:50 AM) and i'm gonna have to beat u up

(1:50 AM) for making my little sister cry

(1:51 AM) bc thats just part of the big brother code

(1:51 AM) sry mate i dont make the rules

(1:52 AM) **Phantomhive, do you really, /really/ think you could beat me up? **

(1:52 AM) **Do you REALLY think that? **

(1:52 AM) lol

(1:53 AM) no

(1:53 AM) but id have u like

(1:53 AM) beat urself up

(1:54 AM) and alexis could take a pic of me standing triumphantly on top of u

(1:54 AM) so it looked like i beat u up

(1:55 AM) actually can we just do this

(1:55 AM) whether or not its part of the big brother code

(1:55 AM) **No. **

(1:56 AM) plz

(1:56 AM) **No. **

(1:57 AM) PLZ

(1:57 AM) itd be so funny tho

(1:58 AM) **For you, maybe. **

(1:58 AM) we can go to subway after

(1:59 AM) ill pay for ur sandwich

(1:59 AM) **Very tempting. **

(1:59 AM) **But still no. **

(2:00 AM) :^(

(2:00 AM) u suck

(2:00 AM) y r u such a spoilsport

(2:01 AM) **My spirit animal is Grumpy Cat, remember? **

(2:01 AM) **I have a reputation to uphold. **

(2:01 AM) lol

(2:02 AM) YES

(2:02 AM) U DO

(2:03 AM) **Now go to sleep. **

(2:03 AM) tell me a bedtime story

(2:03 AM) **FUCKING. **

(2:04 AM) **Fine. **

(2:04 AM) thnx dee

(2:05 AM) **Once upon a time, there was a dung beetle named Victor Pantyhose.**

(2:05 AM) **He lived all by himself in a pile of shit. **

(2:06 AM) **It was a miserable, pathetic existence. **

(2:06 AM) **But Victor didn't mind. **

(2:07 AM) **Because he was a miserable, pathetic creature. **

(2:07 AM) **So he and his dung pile coexisted in perfect harmony. **

(2:08 AM) **Of shit and solitude. **

(2:08 AM) **And when Death finally came for Victor. **

(2:09 AM) **He went to dung beetle paradise willingly and happily. **

(2:09 AM) **Because he was in the safety of his own home surrounded by everything he cared about.**

(2:10 AM) **And he knew there'd be even more shit to revel in where he was going. **

(2:10 AM) **All the shit he could ever want. **

(2:11 AM) **The end. **

(2:11 AM)** Now sleep. **

(2:12 AM) lol

(2:12 AM) i like that story

(2:12 AM) i hope i die like victor

(2:13 AM) i mean

(2:13 AM) i dont want to die in a pile of shit like he did

(2:14 AM) but like

(2:14 AM) in the comfort of my home u kno

(2:15 AM) **Mhmm. **

(2:15 AM) **Now go.**

(2:15 AM) **To.**

(2:16 AM) **Sleep. **

(2:16 AM)

(2:17 AM)

(2:17 AM)

(2:18 AM)

(2:18 AM) do u ever just lie in bed and cry bc u cant kiss nicki minaj

(2:18 AM) ok im done good night dee

(2:19 AM) **Occasionally. **

(2:19 AM) **And good night.**


	6. Chapter 6

**_Saturday_**

(6:43 PM) i think we should cosplay

(6:43 PM) u and me

(6:43 PM) me and u

(6:44 PM) vin and dee the dynamic duo

(6:44 PM) **And just what would we cosplay? **

(6:44 PM)

(6:45 PM) scooby doo and shaggy

(6:45 PM) **Please tell me you aren't serious. **

(6:45 PM) im srs

(6:46 PM) **You know, I have a hard time taking you seriously when you type like that. **

(6:46 PM) lol

(6:46 PM) no but i mean it

(6:47 PM) u cant tell me we arent scooby doo and shaggy

(6:47 PM) jfc i remember the first time i watched that damn show

(6:47 PM) it was back when mum was still around

(6:48 PM) when she heard shaggys name she literally said

(6:48 PM) "y is there a character named fucky on a childrens tv program?"

(6:49 PM) those were her exact words mate

(6:49 PM) mum didnt exactly have much of a filter

(6:49 PM) even around us ickle youngsters

(6:50 PM) **Jesus Christ. **

(6:50 PM) u know

(6:50 PM) now that i think abt it

(6:51 PM) i bet scooby doo couldnt actually talk

(6:51 PM) he was just a regular dog

(6:51 PM) and shaggy was just high 24/7

(6:52 PM) **There's actually a theory for that floating around the Internet. **

(6:52 PM) **But it seems pretty far-fetched. **

(6:53 PM) **Because couldn't the rest of the Mystery Inc. kids hear him talk, too? **

(6:53 PM) THEY WERE ALL STONED AS HELL

(6:53 PM) **So that's why you want us to cosplay these particular characters.**

(6:54 PM) **Y****ou just want an excuse to get high. **

(6:54 PM) **That you can later attempt to justify as "being in character" if you get caught. **

(6:55 PM) **But since it can't be confirmed Shaggy actually does drugs.**

(6:55 PM) **I'm not so sure how strong of an argument that'll be. **

(6:55 PM) **Actually, it wouldn't be a strong argument at all, whether or not Shaggy smokes pot.**

(6:56 PM) what kind of a prat do u take me for

(6:56 PM) im not looking for an excuse to get high

(6:56 PM) im a prefect

(6:57 PM) i have to set a good example to all the peasantry at this school

(6:57 PM) **Of course you do.**

(6:58 PM) **Silly me. **

(6:58 PM) so

(6:58 PM) were cosplaying shaggy and scooby right

(6:59 PM) **Phantomhive.**

(7:00 PM) **I really don't think the school officials would allow us to run around the campus while we're dressed as a scruffy teenaged guy and his bottomless pit of a dog. **

(7:00 PM) WHERES UR SENSE OF ADVENTURE DEE

(7:01 PM) **With my sensibility and self-preservation. **

(7:01 PM) **I've learned the three go hand-in-hand. **

(7:02 PM) for u maybe

(7:02 PM) ur a wanker

(7:02 PM) **I prefer to think of myself as a realist.**

(7:02 PM) did all that liverwurst go to ur brain or smth

(7:03 PM) UR SO BORING

(7:03 PM) U DONT WANT TO DO ANYTHING

(7:03 PM) I BET ALEXIS WOULD COSPLAY W/ME

(7:04 PM) IM GONNA TEXT HIM RN

(7:04 PM) AND WELL HAVE A BRILLIANT TIME W/OUT U

(7:04 PM) SO GO FUCK URSELF

(7:05 PM) **You wound me, Phantomhive. **

(7:05 PM) GOOD

(7:05 PM) NOW IF U WILL EXCUSE ME

(7:06 PM) I HAVE SOME COSPLAYING ARRANGEMENTS TO MAKE

_7 minutes later_

(7:13 PM) he said no

(7:13 PM) **And you were so sure he'd agree to it, too.**

(7:13 PM) shut it deederschnitzel

(7:14 PM) apparently he agrees w/what u said

(7:14 PM) i told him i asked u first but u were like

(7:15 PM) "IM A REALIST WHO HATES JOY AND FUN AND HAPPINESS"

(7:15 PM) and he was like

(7:16 PM) "sorry vince but i agree with diedrich!"

(7:16 PM) "i don't want us to get punished over something stupid like this!"

(7:16 PM) well

(7:16 PM) i guess i didnt /actually/ say u hate joy and fun and happiness

(7:17 PM) but i like

(7:17 PM) implied ur a stick in the mud

(7:17 PM) but not in a mean way

(7:18 PM) **You flatter me. **

(7:18 PM) sry i told u to fuck urself

(7:19 PM) i mean u can try if u want to i wont judge

(7:19 PM) but im sry for suggesting it

(7:19 PM) i didnt rly mean it

(7:20 PM) not rly

(7:20 PM) **I know. **

(7:21 PM) ur a real good mate

(7:21 PM) alexis is too tbh

(7:22 PM) i remember last month when both of u kept me company when i had pneumonia

(7:22 PM) and watched "chicken run" 10 times w/me

(7:22 PM) and neither of u complained

(7:23 PM) even when i was delirious and thought u were mrs. tweedy

(7:24 PM) and whacked u over the head w/a pillow and screamed how id never let u bake me into a pie

(7:24 PM) **It would've been a rotten-tasting pie, anyway. **

(7:24 PM) sod off

(7:25 PM) :^)

(7:25 PM) **Besides, that's how we prove our loyalty to someone back in Germany. **

(7:26 PM) **We willingly watch "Chicken Run" for ten hours with them when they're sick. **

(7:26 PM) 10 hours of "chicken run"

(7:26 PM) fucking hell

(7:27 PM) u put up w/so much of my bullshit

(7:27 PM) thnx dee

(7:27 PM) u rly r my best mate


	7. Chapter 7

**Author's Note**: I received a review last chapter that pointed out both Vincent and Diedrich acted extremely OOC, and I just wanted to say I agree 100%. There is no way canon Vincent would lose his cool the way he did, and likewise, it wouldn't be in-character of Diedrich to simply wait for him to come around. I felt this was an excellent time for me to say that I not only _highly_ appreciate reviews, but I encourage them, _especially _if they offer constructive criticism. Part of being a writer is being able to handle that sort of thing, learn from what you did wrong and try not to make the same mistakes. Thank you so much to the kind reviewer who let me know Vincent and Diedrich weren't portrayed as accurately as they could've been, and I hope this chapter is an improvement on the last!

#######

**_Sunday_**

(1:12 AM) if u could have anything in the world

(1:12 AM) anything

(1:12 AM) and money wasn't an issue

(1:13 AM) what would u buy

(1:13 AM) **So it has to be something store-bought, then?**

(1:13 AM) uh

(1:14 AM) i guess not

(1:14 AM) lol

(1:14 AM) but yeah

(1:15 AM) if u could have anything at all

(1:15 AM) what would u want

(1:15 AM) **Hmmm.**

(1:15 AM) **This is actually a pretty hard question, Phantomhive. **

(1:16 AM) **I'm think I'm fairly content with what I have in my life.**

(1:16 AM) come on dee

(1:16 AM) there must be smth u want

(1:17 AM) there must be

(1:17 AM) **Well.**

(1:17 AM) **I'd like to see you mature a bit. **

(1:18 AM) **I'm sure we all would, to be honest. **

(1:18 AM) lol

(1:18 AM) so by "mature" do u mean

(1:19 AM) i cant laugh at memes anymore

(1:19 AM) **Ideally, you'd stop texting me at two in the morning telling me to look at this "wicked meme!"**

(1:20 AM) y do u hate memes

(1:20 AM) theyre brilliant

(1:21 AM) **I don't know, I just.**

(1:21 AM) **Don't find them amusing.**

(1:22 AM) ur dead to me

(1:22 AM) r.i.p. deederschnitzel

(1:23 AM) **I change my mind.**

(1:23 AM) **What I want most.**

(1:24 AM) **Is for you to STOP CALLING ME THAT RIDICULOUS NAME. **

(1:24 AM) but u said i could call u deederschnitzel

(1:24 AM) as long as i let u call me mole

(1:24 AM) remember

(1:25 AM) u said it urself

(1:25 AM) i still have the convo on my phone

(1:26 AM) i have evidence

(1:26 AM) **Shit.**

(1:26 AM) **I did, didn't I? **

(1:27 AM) u did

(1:27 AM) but like

(1:27 AM) if u rly RLY want me to stop

(1:28 AM) i guess i will

(1:28 AM) i mean id rather not be on the receiving end of ur fist

(1:29 AM) u kno

(1:29 AM) **Can you stop calling me Deederschnitzel, then? **

(1:30 AM) **I'll stop calling you Mole so we're even. **

(1:31 AM) :^)

(1:31 AM) no problem dee

(1:31 AM) but is dee still ok

(1:32 AM) **Dee is fine. **

(1:32 AM) **You've called me Dee for so long, I wouldn't know how to respond if you used any other name. **

(1:33 AM) lol

(1:33 AM) thats good because idk if i could call u anything else

(1:33 AM) u will always be dee to me

(1:33 AM) :^)

(1:34 AM)  
(1:34 AM)

(1:35 AM) dee

(1:35 AM) **Yes?**

(1:35 AM) i think we should make a documentary

(1:36 AM) like

(1:36 AM) "a day in the lives of vin and dee"

(1:37 AM) "starring vin and dee"

(1:37 AM) "w/special guest appearances from prof lacey, alexis and fran"

(1:37 AM) "and maybe the pigeon that likes to sit in the drinking fnt by the scarlet foxes dorm"

(1:38 AM) god i love that pigeon

(1:38 AM) **I hate to interrupt what would undoubtedly become an ode to your love of a random bird that contaminates a drinking fountain with its filth but.**

(1:38 AM) **Just how would we incorporate Frances into our hypothetical documentary?**

(1:38 AM) id facetime her

(1:39 AM) and u could record me while im talking to her on my computer

(1:39 AM) and there u go

(1:40 AM) **She wouldn't be able to see me, would she?**

(1:40 AM) what do u mean

(1:41 AM) **Would she be able to see me holding the camera while you're talking to her?**

(1:41 AM) idk

(1:41 AM) probably

(1:42 AM) y

(1:43 AM) **Because I'd rather not have to interact with her if it isn't necessary. **

(1:43 AM) **Something tells me she isn't over my rejection of her yet.**

(1:44 AM) she isnt

(1:44 AM) when frances fancies someone

(1:45 AM) she FANCIES them

(1:45 AM) her infatuations can last ages

(1:46 AM) she once fancied the same bloke for 3 years

(1:46 AM) **Shit. **

(1:46 AM) lol

(1:47 AM) yeah

(1:47 AM) **If we do shoot this documentary.**

(1:48 AM) **And you want your sister to make a cameo.**

(1:48 AM) **Please get someone else to film while you're talking to her. **

(1:49 AM) r u srsly scared of my baby sister

(1:49 AM) **Your sister is a terrifying girl. **

(1:49 AM) **I believe my fear is justified. **

(1:50 AM) she is tbh

(1:50 AM) but like

(1:50 AM) theres no reason to be nervous

(1:51 AM) just act like nothing happened

(1:51 AM) thats what id do when wed have a row

(1:51 AM) it worked brilliantly

(1:52 AM) **I'd still rather not have to talk to her.**

(1:52 AM) **Turning her down wasn't an easy task. **

(1:52 AM) **The way she reacted when I told her we needed to talk, you'd have thought I was going to propose to her. **

(1:53 AM) jesus christ

(1:53 AM) what HAPPENED b/t u 2

(1:54 AM) **Ignorance is bliss, Phantomhive. **

(1:54 AM) will u ever tell me one day

(1:55 AM) **One day. **

(1:55 AM) **MAYBE.**

(1:55 AM) i promise i wont tell her u told me

(1:55 AM) u can trust me

(1:56 AM) **I know I can. **

(1:56 AM) :^)

(1:56 AM) thnx dee


	8. Epilogue

**Author's Note**: The last chapter was initially intended to be the final part of the story, but because I am an awful, despicable person, I decided to write this epilogue. It's the final conversation between Vincent and Diedrich before Vincent's death, which takes place three days after this ends. So yay for angst and pain, right? And to the reviewer who wanted to know if there would be hints of Vincent's duties as the Queen's Watchdog incorporated into this AU, I hope this chapter answers your question! Thank you all for sticking with this ridiculous story this far, and I hope you enjoyed reading it as much as I did writing it!

#######

**_17 years later_**

(3:12 PM) you'll be joining us for christmas won't you dee?

(3:12 PM) we all missed you last year

(3:13 PM) especially alexis

(3:13 PM) he kept asking "where's diedrich?"

(3:13 PM) "i thought he was going to be here."

(3:14 PM) "edward and lizzy painted little nutcrackers for him!"

(3:14 PM) **Yes, I think I'll be able to join you all in your Christmas festivities this year.**

(3:15 PM) :^)

(3:15 PM) brilliant

(3:15 PM) ciel will be happy to hear that

(3:16 PM) he talks about you a lot dee

(3:16 PM) **So your son has finally gotten over his fear of me because I "look scary", has he? **

(3:16 PM) uh

(3:17 PM) i still think he's a bit intimidated by you

(3:17 PM) but i think he understands now that you aren't angry

(3:17 PM) (usually)

(3:18 PM) you just naturally look like you're pissed off about something or other

(3:18 PM) just like i naturally look like a weasel

(3:19 PM)

(3:19 PM)

(3:20 PM)

(3:20 PM) christ i'm exhausted

(3:21 PM) her majesty's got me running all over london looking for this bloke who apparently pimped out one of his prostitutes to one of the royal family's younger males

(3:21 PM) and i guess the guy is threatening to blackmail the queen unless she gives him precious royal heirlooms or something

(3:22 PM) so naturally the queen came running to me

(3:22 PM) "phantomhive i need you to fuck this bloke up for me thanks mate"

(3:22 PM) and it's not like i could decline an order from her majesty

(3:23 PM) also i'm very good at fucking people up

(3:23 PM) so here we are

(3:24 PM) **I see.**

(3:24 PM) **That does sound very stressful. **

(3:25 PM) you have no idea

(3:25 PM) and right around christmas too

(3:26 PM) couldn't she have waited a bit longer

(3:26 PM) what better way to ring in the new year than scurrying around the city playing hide-and-go-seek with a pimp

(3:27 PM) **You'd better watch what you say, Phantomhive. **

(3:27 PM) **You aren't exactly a beloved figure in the underworld. **

(3:28 PM) **If one of your enemies managed to get ahold of your phone and saw some of the things you've said about the Royal Family. **

(3:28 PM) **Well. **

(3:29 PM) **You're a clever man.**

(3:29 PM) **I'm sure you know where I'm going with this. **

(3:29 PM) aww dee

(3:30 PM) do you /care/ about me

(3:30 PM) **Well, I don't want to see you dead. **

(3:31 PM) **If that's what you mean. **

(3:31 PM) i know you like to act like you're big tough german warrior

(3:31 PM) and in many ways it isn't an act

(3:32 PM) you really are a big tough german warrior

(3:33 PM) but you really and truly are one of the kindest people i've ever met

(3:33 PM) **Why so sentimental all of a sudden? **

(3:33 PM) this isn't sentimentality

(3:34 PM) it's more like

(3:34 PM) an observation

(3:34 PM) i've noticed over the years

(3:35 PM) well

(3:35 PM) perhaps the holidays are making me a bit mawkish

(3:36 PM) but i think i can trust you to not go telling half of london's criminal organizations the queen's watchdog isn't a stone-cold unfeeling bastard

(3:36 PM) **To expose any sign of weakness in the underworld is to put your life at risk.**

(3:37 PM) **Although I'm sure you're aware of this.**

(3:37 PM) **And as I said before. **

(3:37 PM) **I rather like you alive. **

(3:38 PM)

(3:38 PM)

(3:39 PM) dee

(3:39 PM) do you remember

(3:39 PM) when we were at weston

(3:40 PM) and i asked you what my spirit animal was

(3:40 PM) and you said it was a dung beetle

(3:41 PM) well a few nights ago

(3:41 PM) i was telling ciel about victor pantyhose

(3:41 PM) and after ciel went to sleep i decided to look up the significance of beetles

(3:42 PM) for the fuck of it

(3:42 PM)

(3:43 PM)

(3:43 PM) did you know beetles are symbols of creation and rebirth in many cultures

(3:44 PM) in germany the beetle was devoted to thor the god the thunder

(3:44 PM) and thor was one of the major gods in norse mythology

(3:45 PM) in ancient egypt the beetle would be depicted rolling the sun across the sky and was associated with the creator god

(3:45 PM) they were apparently just really sacred animals in general

(3:46 PM) **I know. **

(3:46 PM)

(3:46 PM)

(3:47 PM) you know something

(3:47 PM) you've changed a lot

(3:48 PM) and yet you haven't

(3:48 PM) **I was going to say the same to you.**

(3:48 PM) why

(3:49 PM) is it because i don't text like an overexcitable git anymore

(3:49 PM) **Well, yes, but there's also something else.**

(3:49 PM) i think i know what you're saying

(3:50 PM)

(3:50 PM) anyway

(3:50 PM) i'll see you soon

(3:51 PM) RIGHT

(3:51 PM) **Yes, Phantomhive, you will.**

(3:52 PM) excellent

(3:52 PM) bye dee

(3:52 PM) thank you

(3:52 PM) :^)

(3:52 PM)

(3:53 PM)

(3:53 PM)

(3:53 PM)

(3:54 PM)

(3:54 PM)

(3:55 PM) **:^) **


End file.
